


Condom Shop

by arrhidaios



Category: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21785980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arrhidaios/pseuds/arrhidaios
Summary: They don't call it "Hard Brexit" gratuitously!
Kudos: 1





	Condom Shop

Customer : Good Morning.  
Owner : Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Condom Emporium!  
Customer: Ah thank you my good man.  
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?  
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Charlotte Bronte's Thesaurus, and I suddenly came over all libidinous.  
O: Libidinous, sir?  
C: Concupiscent.  
O: Eh? C: Needin' to get me ashes hauled!  
O: Ah, horny!  
C: In a nutsack. And I thought to myself, 'a small selection of safety sacks will help out nicely', so, I curtailed my Bronthesauring activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some polymer prophylactics!  
O: Come again?  
C: Hence the plural. I want to buy some condoms!  
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?  
C: Well, eh, how about a little Akamoto.  
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Akamoto, sir.  
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Lifestyles?  
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.  
C: Manix, perhaps?  
O: Ah! We have Manix, yessir.  
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.  
O: Yessir. It's ah... it's a bit past expiration date.  
C: Well, so am I!.  
O: Well,.. It's way past expiration, actually, sir. Quite rummy.  
C: No matter. Fetch hither the préservatif de la Belle France! Mmmwah!  
O: I...think it's a bit rummier than you'll like it, sir.  
C: I don't care how fucking rummy it is. Hand it over with all speed.  
O: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause) C: What now?  
O: The cat's used it. C: (pause) Has he?  
O: She, sir.  
C: And?...  
O: Having kittens. Even as we speak.  
C: You... do have some condoms, don't you?  
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a condom shop, sir. We've got-  
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.  
O: Fair enough.  
C: Uuuuuh, Theyfit.  
O: Yes?  
C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!  
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Theyfit, that's my name. (pause)  
C: Glyde?  
O: Uh, not as such.  
C: Sir Richard's?  
O: Not -today-, sir, no. (pause)  
C: Aah, how about Trojans?  
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.  
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular condom in the world!  
O: Not 'round here, sir. We are UCLA fans.  
C: (under his breath: fucking Philistines!) Continues out loud: and what IS the most popular condom 'round hyah?  
O: Ramses, sir.  
C: IS it.  
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular among worshippers of yummy mummies.  
C: Is it.  
O: It's our number one best seller, sir! No canopic jar is without them!  
C: I see. Uuh... Ramses, eh?  
O: Right, sir.  
C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.  
O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.  
C: It's not much of a condom shop, is it?  
O: Finest in the district sir!  
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.  
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!  
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by condoms.  
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about French Letters, sir.  
C: Would it be worth it? O: Could be.  
C: (slowly) Have you got any French Letters?  
O: No.  
C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place....... Tell me:  
O: Yessir?  
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any condoms here at all?  
O: Yes,sir. C: Really? (pause)  
O: No. Not really, sir.  
C: You haven't.  
O: Nosir. Not a scrap. They've been banned, sir. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir, having become unhinged by loneliness and despair. Sir.  
C: Well in that case, I'm going to have to put you out of your misery.  
O: Right-0, sir. And right misery it is, what without condoms.  
(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the shopkeeper)  
C: What a senseless waste of human life.


End file.
